Here comes goodbye
by thunderbird5
Summary: They worked together for two years. She was his first guide and friend, the first who gave him freedom but, after two years together it was time for John to say goodbye and to let her go. A story of my first guide I loved so much and whom I had to let go at the end. Zahara retired on 31/8/2012.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: How I wish the boys were mine. But no, they belong to someone else.

Thank you to grnfield for reading and fixing this up for me.

The following stories are linked to this story. My heart will go on, John's diary which will be up soon, How Does It Feel, My fear of going blind and walk of fear and panic.

author's note: Benching is when the dog are put on a chain which is tide around an object like a bed for instance.

Enough of that. Hope you enjoy reading this story. This was one of the hardest weeks I had ever gone through and written about. You'll see why really soon. Enjoy and please remember to review please?

A month or so had gone by since I had to make that hard decision about my guide's fate. Since then I had also found that my eyes were acting up and had kept a diary about it all. Only my guide was not included in the diary. I'd pushed that fateful day that I would have to hand over my guide's lead to the back of my mind, telling myself that it was just a horrible nightmare and that I'll wake up and everything would be fine.

As I went to get my eyes tested and found that they were just fine; well, as fine as could be. I was reminded of my guide's fate once again when an aunt asked if I knew when I would be going, what would happen to my guide and if I could keep her. As for the keeping, I know for a fact that my father would never let me since all of the residents on Tracy Island had had some sort of encounter with my guide dog's surprises. My father would say no and the guide dog center had said no. They said that if I kept her then she would teach the new guide all the things she did wrong and I would have the same problem with that one.

I guess that if you think of it, it's true. Still, it feels like I'm dumping her at an adoption sender; as if I'm failing her. I don't know how to explain it but she's like a child to me and just letting her go as if she's nothing to me hurts. It makes me feel as if I have been a really bad daddy to her; that I've just used her. Heck, I was told loads of times that I was doing too much for her. I'd take her to the vet every time I went to the mainland or when one of my brothers had gone there I would beg them to take my guide dog too.

I felt that I had to make sure that she was in tip top shape to work. It would have killed me if I'd found out that she was working while being sick or hurt. I was and still am, very strict with her. Those who know me well know how I get when I know someone is doing the wrong thing or if they are not listening to me.

Many times I had caught one of my brothers feeling sorry for her because she had gotten corrected and then benched for an hour in my room for being a bad girl. During that hour no one was allowed to talk or pet her, even if she used her sad face or whimpered to get their attention. She had to know that she had done something wrong and that she was being punished for it. My brothers would check on her and when she looked at them they would melt and try to come to her rescue from her too-strict daddy.

My guide knew who she could go to and which buttons to press to get them to give her food or let her do as she wanted. One afternoon Alan had proudly announced that he had given my guide a nice big hamburger to munch on but he had promptly swallowed the rest of his words when I turned to him. Back peddling he had changed 'nice big hamburger' to 'just a little piece' but luck wasn't on his side that day. Zahara had come bounding into the kitchen, wagging her tail and had sat herself down at Alan's feet, bumping her nose against his hand to ask for more of that yummy hamburger.

Stepping just a little too close to my little brother I had hissed at him. 'Just a small piece? It doesn't seem like that to me. You of all people should know that what you have done is wrong.'

I had taken my dog away from him and made sure that she stayed with me for the rest of that day but she still tried to beg at every chair she had passed. She bumped her nose against each of my brothers, asking them to give her 'just a little something' from their plate. She gave her paw to Virgil and when he didn't touch or give her a treat she then sat down and started to paw at his leg to get him to look at her. When he did however she didn't expect him to say 'no' very loudly. We all jumped and when my father looked to Virgil to ask what the matter was he told us all what my Zahara was doing and I had to get up and drag her to where I was sitting.

It didn't take long before she moved away again so she could beg. I excused myself for a moment and took her to my room where I benched her. She wasn't a happy dog when I left to go finish my dinner, I can tell you. She had yelped and barked while she tried to get her chain out from under my bed before she'd finally given up and quietened down. When I got back to my chair I had asked my father to let me say something to everyone. I had then given them a lecture on why they should not give my dog food from the table or feed her anything without me knowing. I told them that she was only scrounging and begging because she knew that they would give in and give her what she wanted. I gave my little brother a look that I knew he wouldn't miss and had everyone promise that they'll ask me before they gave her any type of snack or food.

I knew that everyone felt really guilty but I had to set everyone straight before they all end up doing what Alan did. Who knows? Maybe some of them had already done just that and hadn't told me about it. I'm really starting to wonder about that now; Zahara does seem to love Virgil a great deal when it comes down to food.

I had gone to the mainland for some tests to see why my eyes were doing what they were doing. My eye doctor had told me to get tested to be safe, but for what I don't know. I sat and waited to hear what my blood sugarand blood pressure was and startled badly when my phone started to ring.

I answered and found that it was the lady from the guide dog center, asking me if I could come to class on the first of September. I realized that I'd be up on Five at the time but said 'yes' thinking that it was high time that Alan paid me back some of the days that he owed me. I chuckled to myself as I thought about how Alan was going to react to being told he had extra time to serve on Five and didn't really pay attention to the rest of what the lady was saying. I answered robotically without really taking in anything else from the call and as I bid the lady goodbye I realized that I hadn't caught her name. Yes, she was from guide dog centre but which one?

I had to drag my thoughts away from my dog and the guide dog center to listen to what the doctor was saying to me. I was told to come back that same day in the afternoon. I had been planning on going home but I guess I'll end up going back to the island later on.

I walked out of the clinic with my guide finding the way and I thought over the call I'd received. I remembered the lady and who she was. She was the kind one, the one who listened to me. Then I thought about my guide and how she might feel that day; not understanding why I was letting her go or where she was being taken. I nearly tripping over a slab of cement which was sticking up out of the ground at an odd angle and I realized that my guide had turned the wrong way and that we were now following a path to heaven knew where.

Turning my guide around I ended up turning a full circle twice. When I got her turned again I was hopefully walking back into the right direction and knew I had to get back to the hotel before I got totally lost. I finally got back to the hotel and called home to warn my family not to send someone out to pick me up that afternoon. Everyone started talking at once and I had to wait for my father to tell them to stay quiet and let me talk. I told them that I had to go back to the clinic that afternoon to hear what the doctor had to say about my blood sugarand blood pressure.

That afternoon I decided to test out the new GPS that Brains had sent with me. I figured that it would be a good time now to test it because my guide dog seemed to be getting lost every time she went near the clinic. Well, it worked great until I was about ten meters or so away from the clinic. Vibrating three times to alert me that it was about to speak I listened to it say the words. 'You have arrived at your destination'.

Stopping my guide dog I squinted into the sun to see where the clinic was. Only seeing the walls of what must be the clinic I felt a bit frustrated. Here I was, standing like an idiot in the middle of nowhere, not knowing if the door to the clinic was up ahead, to my right or to my left. Yes, I had been there that morning but someone had helped me to the door and I hadn't paid as much attention as I should have.

Now I was going to be really late for my appointment. Sighing, I had to trust that when my guide dog and I started walking again that she would somehow find the door. Well, unfortunately it didn't work out like that. My guide suddenly turned in front of me and I nearly took a tumble over her. Just to my right I could hear the patter of a small dog running off somewhere and now, even more frustrated, I made my dog turn back again and had her walking back to where I thought we had last stopped.

Pulling my guide to a stop I listened for the voices of any people around. I heard a woman and a man talking somewhere off to my left and walked towards them. When they saw me however they started walking as fast as they could to get out of the way and away from my guide dog. I knew that if I didn't stop them I would never find the clinic door and, stopping my guide, I called out to them that my dog won't bite and that I just needed a hand. The man was brave enough to let me and my dog come closer and said 'Follow us, we'll take you to the door'.

Giving a sigh I followed them and after opening the door for me they were gone before I could say thanks. I guess they were scared shitless.

After waiting only a few minutes I was ushered into the doctor's office. Again I had to repeat my story about my eyes and what the eye doctor had said and again I had to let the doctor check my blood pressure. After asking me questions about how I felt and if I was hurting anywhere and answering yes or no, the doctor told me that I was just fine but that he'd take some blood the following week and send it for tests.

Walking out the door of the clinic again I thought about the doctor's last words. Something might be going on in your body that you are not able to detect and that hopefully the blood tests would bring the problem to light. I was again left with more questions than answers.

When my guide stopped again I thought that the little dog had returned. Looking around I realized that my guide had stopped because she wasn't sure where to go. Listening to where the sound of cars came from I was able to turn her in the right direction.

Again I called home to give my family the news. When that was done I went online to find one of my friends but couldn't find her so I left her a message telling her about my day.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

The next day I called a shop which had dog beds and found out that they could make me a bed to my specifications and I asked them to send me a quote for it. I couldn't keep the old dog bed that I had at home because it would only be a painful reminder of my first dog and that she use to sleep on it. It would break my heart to know that she didn't have something with her that was hers and hers alone.

I didn't do much for the rest of that day. I ended up just thinking of how it would all end. Would they just take my guide dog away? Would they let me spend time with her for a little while when I get to the center? How would I react? Should I ask one of my brothers to come with me? Maybe Virgil? What if I couldn't handle it? Would the trainer who was taking my dog understand if I broke down? Would they tell me how I was a bad daddy? Would I get yelled at? What would they do?

That night I called home again to let my family know about the call I got from guide dog centre. I didn't care if I had told them or not before, I just had to make sure that Alan ended up on Five when he needed to be. I could hear that they all were saddened about the news and I heard Gordon say "What's next?" and I knew what he meant. First there was the problem with my eyes and not knowing what was going on with them and now there was the news about my guide having to go back to the center at the end of the month.

By now Alan had put two and two together and to my surprise he offered to take my turn up on Five. I couldn't believe it and, not wanting to try my luck I said thanks to him and signed off after saying goodnight to everyone else. I heard my dog sit down next to me and realised that she wanted to go out. Walking her outside, I suddenly felt so guilty. Did she know what was going to happen to her? Feeling even worse I started feeding her some doggy treats. Still the guilt wouldn't leave me, it only got worse.

When my father called me in the afternoon I told him how I felt. Dad was a frustrated but I knew it wasn't at me. Without knowing it he basically told me to stop feeling sorry for the darn dog and to just let her go; that she'd had her chance and that she'd messed it up. Without thinking I ended the call and soon found myself chatting to my friend online.

After signing off the internet chat room I gave my guide some more of her treats and then left her to play with her bedding. I sat down to look at a few dog bed shops online but gave up after a few minutes and took my guide out for her last run outside to relieve herself. I then benched her and got into bed myself, hoping that I would feel better the next day. In the back of my mind I knew that, that wouldn't be so.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

A day passed with me walking around with my guide dog and I ended up sitting at a shop just listening to the people, cars and everything else as they passed me. I couldn't shake the bad feeling which was following me where ever I went. No matter what I did, it wouldn't leave me; no matter what dad had said. As the days passes my guilty feeling only got worse and worse. Tormenting me. Torturing me. Making me suffer.

Since I had no work to do and nothing to watch, I couldn't stop my mind from turning to my guide dog and her fate. I had no way of clearing it from my mind and to top it off the thoughts of what my blood tests would reveal were also running through my head. Until I'm told what the problem is or whether the doctors' found something, I will be thinking myself in circles.

Too much thinking has a way of wearing you out and as I got ready for bed I began to feel extremely weary. It was almost the time I would normally turn in for the night so I took my dog out for the last time, benched her and got onto my bed to wait for my family to call. The next thing I knew my watch informed me that it was 8pm. Stretching myself and letting my body relax again I was again startled when my watch informed me that it was 9pm.

Sitting up I wondered for a moment where the time had gone. My eyes were open and I hadn't closed them. As soon as I let my head rest against my pillow again I heard my watch go off once more but this time it was an incoming call. Before I answered it I asked the time and heard my watch say 9:30pm. I tried once more to figure out where the time had gone and then took the call from my family.

Once I was done talking to them I realized that I had no idea what I had said to them nor what they had said to me and for a moment I was scared. I was losing time which was unsettling to me. Putting my watch down I found that I didn't have the strength to turn myself over onto my back so I stayed on my right side until darkness came to claim me.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

Another day or so passed. I had just stayed in my room reading or rather letting my laptop do the reading for me. My guide had gotten bored and had started to take apart her bed and eat it. Luckily she didn't get too far and gave up when she had come to me for some more of her doggy treats. I only gave her two and then told her that there was no more and showed her my hands. I had hidden the other treats but she didn't buy it and began to sniff at my pants. She knew that I had more on me. I got up from the chair I was sitting on and hid away the rest of her treats somewhere where she couldn't find them.

She just sat there watching and giving me a look which Gordon had once told me said "What the hell are you doing with my treats?" I could only think of what that look must look like on her face. Sad or not? Whatever, she's getting no more treats. If I gave her too many then she'd become a real bitch. If I gave her too few then she'd sulk like Alan and if I gave her nothing at all she'll take something else for herself.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

Another day passed with me at the shop with lots of time to sit and wonder about my guide dog. At some point I had gotten up and chatted to the shop's kitchen staff for a while. After that I had gone back to the hotel.

The next day I got up early and had just left the hotel when my father showed up. Making me walk back up to my room, he had made me leave my guide dog in my room and took me to the clinic himself. I was happy to know that he was there because when we got outside the hotel again I felt the cold wind and it had sent a chill down my back. Not a day for walking for sure.

When we got to the clinic it felt like I was walking straight into a freezer. The clinic had only just opened and it was chilly because it took a while for a big place like that to heat up. I only waited for a short while and when I was taken into an office where I had to take my jacket off. That was darn cold. First my left arm was pulled straight and when my veins didn't show my right arm was pulled out instead.

Getting nothing there, my left arm was taken again but by now it was numb and I felt like my insides were freezing. The lady was talking a mile a minute and I was just listening to her chat away when all of a sudden I felt the needle go into my arm. I closed my eyes and silently thought "Shit, that hurts! It was cold and I had no warning. She could have told me. I guess that's what happens when I listen too much and don't pay attention to what was been done to me."

Well, I didn't dare to voice my thoughts out loud because I could already hear my dad say "Language John" and by now I was wishing the lady would let my arm go. It was numb and felt like it had turned to ice.

Still holding onto my arm she took out the needle and put a plaster on my arm where it had been. She let my arm go and I quickly grabbed my jacket from my dad and put it back on, thinking "It's going to hurt like hell when I have to pull the plaster off."

I realized that my dad was asking when I needed to go back. Tuning my ears into what was been said I heard that I had an appointment for the next Monday at 12:00pm. When we got out of the clinic my dad said "Well, hopefully we'll know more next Monday when they've gotten all your test results back." I didn't answer him. Silently I was hoping that they found nothing wrong but then again I hoped that they did find something so they could fix it. I was getting tired wondering what the problem was and not knowing.

Back at the hotel my dad had left me alone and had gone off somewhere, I didn't ask him where. My guide had jumped on me as soon as she saw me and that afternoon I had asked my dad if he could take my guide and me to the vet for her last check-up.

Little did I know that some people had gotten wind of my dog's retirement and when I got there they were all around me and my guide like a bunch of newshounds, asking questions about my dog. Why she was retiring? Where she would go when I returned her? Who was going to get her? If they could have her? Sighing, I had given several people the number to call the guide dog center.

As soon as the one of the ladies had the number she had phoned the center and asked for my dog. Not wanting the people to see how sad I felt I had just asked the lady to let me know the next day what the center had asked after she had gotten off the phone with them.

In a way I felt happy cause then I would be able to come visit her when I got time off to come to this small town. I knew that it would also hurt to see her and know that I had had to let her go. I knew that the time to say goodbye was coming closer and that alone made me turn away from everyone. My father watched me and got the hint that I wanted to leave. So, leaving my number with the lady who wanted my dog, I walked to the car and got in, making sure that I didn't slam the door onto my dog's tail. She would really hate me if I did that while it was so cold.

Back at the hotel my dad said goodbye and left for home, leaving me alone with my guide dog and my thoughts, in my hotel room. Sitting down at my laptop I sent my friend a message about my day and what had happened at the vet. I found that I always ended my day telling my friend something, even if it was just that I'd chat to her the next day. I guess it was just a habit I'd got into. I was used to taking my turn in calling so maybe that was the reason I was always sending her a message.

Waking up the next day I had a dreadful feeling. I knew that something was about to happen and it did when my cell phone started to ring. Answering it my ears were met with the kind voice of the lady at guide dog centre working with the puppies. She told me that a lady had called asking to adopt my guide. She informed me that I had the first choice to keep her or not. My heart was breaking when I thought of that because I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say that I'd keep her but I knew what the other lady had told me; that I couldn't keep her and that she would teach her bad habit to the new guide and then my family would really lose it.

I closed my eyes and told the lady what had been said to me and she told me that I would have the right to go see my guide whenever I missed her. If the new owner's home was not right for my guide, she would go to the center with me and the puppy walkers who had her originally would be called and asked if they wanted her back. If they didn't want her or couldn't take her back then she would be put up for adoption to the public. "So I have your permission to go ahead with the adoption process?" she asked and with a sudden wave of sadness I said "Yes, mam." I suddenly realized that I really was giving my guide up for adoption and that I was signing her off to someone else. I then knew how a mother or father would feel, giving their child up for adoption.

It really hurt. It was as if the child services had decided to forcefully take my child away from me; that I'd never see her again and I felt like crying. Not wanting the lady to know that I was falling apart I told her "I want the new owners to take her now and not before I have to go home. I just want it to be over 'cos this it like some sort of slow torture to me. Like I'm dying slowly inside. Painfully. The thing is, I also want to keep her until the last moment and then to let her go." The lady didn't laugh at me. She told me that it would be easier when I had my new guide and that it would hurt for a while but that it would be okay.

She then asked if I was looking forward to going to the center once more. I didn't know what to say to that but when I did, I was sure that the lady could hear my voice giving out on me. "Yes and no. I don't want to say goodbye to my guide. I don't want to let go but yes, I'm looking forward to meeting my new friend." The lady understood and waited a moment for me to scrape my shattered heart and thoughts together. "We're going to send the adoption papers to the lady and then work with her and the new owners and if all goes well, I'll call you again."

I could only get out a really soft "okay" before she said her goodbyes and hung up. Letting my phone drop on the desk I let my face drop into my hands. I could feel my eyes fill up with unshed tears that just wouldn't fall. I felt like I have just done the most horrible thing in my life and lifting my head I silently screamed at the world. Letting my head back down I found myself thinking "What have I just done? How could I have done it? I'm a horrible daddy. I've just given up my friend, my guide, the one who gave me freedom. God it hurts!"


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

Two days went by and I didn't do much again. Outside it was freezing and the wind wasn't pleasant so I was only able to take my guide out and when we came back inside we were both wet and freezing. Even my internet connection was acting up, so much so that I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't video call home or even chat with my friend online.

So when I got into bed after taking my dog out on the third day, I didn't really get out of it again. Literally I only got out of bed to take my dog out and to eat, it was too darn cold to walk anywhere.

Somewhere during the night I woke up with the sound of the wind howling outside and when I finally fell asleep again I found myself back in my old room at the guide dog centre without my brothers or father. It was just me and my guide dog. The door opened and a trainer came walking in.

I was sitting on the ground in front of my guide dog. I was holding on to her for dear life. I didn't want to let go. Without a word the trainer had gotten down next to me and was prying my hands away from my guide. He then took her lead and told her to go with him. Thinking that she was going to get a treat and then come back to me, she jumped up and walked with him, not looking back at me even once. I must have cried out when they turned a corner because I woke up with tears burning at the back of my eyes.

It was 12:10am when I had woken up from that nightmare. I found my phone and watched videos for five hours and listened to the sound of the wind outside and my guide snoring away on her bed.

After putting my phone on the bedside table again, I felt so alone and the feeling of guilt only got worse. I felt like I was failing my guide. That I haven't tried hard enough to teach her right from wrong, that I was a really bad daddy. Going online I sent my friend a message telling her about my dream and how I felt. That done I went to the bathroom and fought not cry.

When I came into my room and heard my dog snore away I went over to her bed and softly touched her head. Getting back into my bed her snore only made the feeling of sadness and guilt overpower me. I couldn't fight my tears anymore and that's when I broke down. This time I had no brothers to talk to and no one to hold onto as my body shook with silent sobs. I couldn't take this anymore, it was just too much like torture. When the next day came my dog would only have two weekends and fifteen working days left.

I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I woke up I felt much better. Well, not better but the guilty feeling was bearable.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

The day of my last visit to the clinic had arrived. Getting up and getting ready to go to the clinic to hear what the doctor had to say, I found that I wasn't worried about it like I thought I would have been.

As I was about to tell my guide to start walking, I met an old lady. She was just sitting there in the sun next to the hotel on one of the stairs. I had an hour left before I had to be at the clinic so I stopped to talk to her for a bit. My guide sat herself down and patiently waited for me to tell her that it was time to walk. I chatted to the old lady for a while and before I knew it, it was time to go.

As soon as we were near the clinic my guide turned to the left and headed for the hospital. This time I noticed before she could take me too far. I told her to turn right and so I ended up nearly tripping over the stairs leading up to the hospital. Frustrated I told my dog to go right and to leave the darn stairs alone.

Again she tried to turn to the left. I didn't know why and when a sudden bark, which had made me jump, came from my left I knew why my guide wanted to go left. My guide had seen another dog. Now really angry at my guide I was about to lose it when a man spoke up. "Hey. Are you looking for the clinic door again?"

I was so glad to hear the man's voice. I didn't think that I would have gotten to the door that day without ending up in the hospital first. Nodding my head the man walked passed me saying "Follow me" so I did.

Once in the clinic I had another problem. That being that there were a lot of people. What made things worse was that there was a lot of babies to.

Stopping my dog in the waiting room to gather myself and thinking about what I should do next I wondered briefly why I had such a short temper that day. Feeling my dog tug at her lead I knew that she was about to go have a sniff at either a baby or a person who would no doubt be very unhappy about it.

Pulling on the lead I found that I had the upper hand. My dog had no grip on the floor and therefore I was able to pull her to me without the people thinking that I was treating her badly. Then when I told her to go forward she went left straight for another baby. I could hear people talking about my dog and every now and then someone would open the door to come into the clinic and slam it shut again when they saw my dog.

I knew that I had to get out of the waiting room and stand somewhere where the people couldn't freak out when they see my guide dog. Jerking my guide back I snapped "For heaven's sake would you behave?" For a moment everyone stopped talking. Feeling my face grow red from embarrassment I quickly moved out of the waiting room and straight to the door leading to the hall which led to the doctor's office.

As soon as the people walking down that hall saw my dog they started to either dodge or ask me if my dog would bite them. One guy said that he didn't want my dog to bite his butt. Getting tired of people going on about my dog as if she was about to murder them all I moved into the hall dragging my dog after me and found a lady who took me to a chair and moved off again. Sitting down on it, I made my dog put half of her body under the chair so that whoever passed won't run for the hills.

I ended up waiting for almost half an hour before the doctor showed up. Tapping on my head which in turn irritated me I jumped up and followed the doctor into the office. Realizing that the chair I had to sit on was missing the doctor came passed me and got me one to sit on. Opening my file he read through it and when he was done he closed it and told me that I had an iron deficiency.

It wasn't bad but it wasn't where it should be and so I was told that I would have to take some pills that will bring my iron levels back up again. I would also get some vitamins to take with the other pills every morning until there was none left.

I was told to come back the next month to get my iron levels tested again. I told the doctor that I wouldn't be able to come back straight away that month because I would be at the guide dog center for a new dog but that I would try to come as soon as I'm in town again.

The doctor told me that he was unable to get a hold of my eye doctor to talk to him about my test results but that he had phoned four times and had left two messages. I told the doctor that I would ask my father to call my eye doctor and let him call the clinic and that hopefully they would be able to talk then.

Leaving the clinic was a task on its own. Telling my dog very sternly to leave the babies alone when we passed the waiting area I was able to keep my temper in check. If only I knew why I was so moody all of a sudden. I found a lady waiting to take my file which the doctor had handed me and I waited for her to return with the meds I had to take. I realized that the blood tests hadn't answered any of my questions I had as to why my eyes were doing what they were doing so I would still be asking why until I got my answers. I also knew that Virgil wouldn't be happy about it all.

Noticing that I wasn't going anywhere, my guide turned and seeing an unfortunate little baby sitting on its mothers lap, went for a sniff. This time I moved away, pulling my guide in front of me and making her sit. I wasn't going to yell at her again but she was really pushing buttons which she knew shouldn't be pushed.

When I got my meds I left and once we were outside my guide headed for the hospital again. No doubt to check if that other dog was still there. Stopping my guide in her tracks I gave her one hell of a correction to let her know that I was the boss and that I had reached the end of my tether.

Making her turn to the left she once again took a path she shouldn't take. Tripping over a low bush I stopped my guide and calmed myself down before I could let loose my full fury on her. Turning her to the right I told her to find the way and that I didn't want to walk into any more bushes or holes. The wind had started up again and was making such a noise in my ears that I could not hear as well as I should.

I nearly jumped a mile when a white car passed just inches away from me. Again my guide had not even stopped or dodged. This time when I made her stop I asked her. "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you want to get us killed? Concentrate will you?"

Making my guide dog walk once more I hoped that I would end up safely at the shop I was getting use to sitting at and not end up in a hospital bed that same day. When I finally made it to the shop, I had asked for coffee and went outside to the deck and benched my dog at one of the tables. Then I left to go use the bathroom and to calm myself down enough to not kill my guide.

Coming back to the table I got my coffee and was asked if I wanted to have lunch. I hadn't eaten that morning and so lunch sounded great to me.

After I had my lunch I took some food with me to the hotel to give to the old lady, hoping she was still sitting there in the sun. Finding her where I had left her that morning I offered the food to her and she happily took it from me.

Later that afternoon I came out of my room to chat to the old lady again. Benching my dog on a nearby pole I had left for just a moment to pay for my room. When I came back outside my dog was eating food that the old lady had given her. Grabbing my dog away from it I told the lady not to give my guide food. Turning around I saw a board with a guide dog on it which said. "Guide dogs may enter here. Please do not feed them."

Turning back to the lady I was about to say something when she said "It was just a small piece." Biting my lip I thought "Didn't I hear those words before somewhere?" Freeing my dog from the pole I took her to do her thing and then I went back inside the hotel to my room. The lady wasn't sitting on the stairs anymore and I didn't care at that moment if she'd got ticked off about what I had told her. If I didn't stop her my guide would want to return there every time to get food from her and when she went to the center at the end of the day I would be the one who had to answer to the trainers as to why my guide was fat.

So when my turn in call came around I had told my family what had happened and asked my father to let my eye doctor know what was going on and that the doctor at the clinic was trying to get hold of him. My brothers weren't too happy to find out that none of the tests had answered my questions and by the way Virgil was scratching his head I was so glad that I wasn't at home. I wouldn't have been a happy camper if he had gotten his hands on me.

After saying my goodbyes I had gone online to tell my friend about my day and what the tests had revealed and then realised that I was back to square one. In a way my eye problem didn't bother me anymore but I would have liked to know what was causing my eyes to do what they do.

I know that before I'm forty my eyes will have given out and that there was no way of stopping that from happening. Still that was in the future which was still a long way away. My time with my guide was also running out. She only had fourteen workdays and two weekends left. I really hated my brain at times like today. I'm always working out how much time was left or how many days were left. I got into bed and hoped that I would have a day the next day without a temper because that wasn't like me.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

Another day had passed with the lady who had given my guide food sitting outside, not talking or giving food to my dog. I'd gone to the shop for coffee and just hung around there, asking people who greeted my guide if they wanted to adopt her. I got into a bit of trouble with one of the shop owners when they heard that I was asking people if they wanted to adopt my guide dog when she retired. I remember thinking to myself "Note to self. Never ever talk of adoption in a shop where the owners are around or else you'll get a lecture that you don't have to go to university or college for."

I also met a really nice black cat called Blackie. He had come to rub at my legs but my guide wasn't too impressed about that so I picked the cat up and ended up sinking into the nearest chair holding the cat while he was purring away. He melted my heart completely and boy was my guide dog upset about me holding the cat and not her. Nudging my leg with her nose and trying her best to shove the cat off my lap, I placed the lead around my leg to hold my guide in one place and got up and held the cat for a while longer.

Bending down I gently put the cat on the floor and watched it walk off to one of the other shop patrons. I silently wished that I could take the cat home with me but I wasn't quite sure if dad would let me. Alan had a cat which always ended up in my room when I was home and sometimes the cat would end up with one of my other brothers.

Alan had said that he would take care of the cat and that he had gotten the cat for everyone in the villa. Well, as far as I know our father had ended up asking whoever went to the mainland to go to a shop and buy cat food for the cat. Alan didn't really bother with it and a few times I had to tell him to go clean the cat's litter box because it was smelly and making my nose burn.

I had then taken my guide dog's lead from around my leg and had to pull at it to prevent a certain dog from killing a cute black kitty. When I had asked what the cat's name was, I was told that it was Blackie. Well, that was the right name for the cat; he was a black cat after all.

The week had gone by really slow and as it dragged on my thoughts started turning to my guide more and more. At some point I had wished that my prankster of a brother would come by and bug the hell out of me or play with my guide. Now that I think of it, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea. Last time he had played so roughly with her that when he tried to get up after my guide had knocked him over, he couldn't.

We were in big trouble. First Virgil had given all three of us a long lecture and then I had to help to get my red head of a brother into bed. That's what happens when you don't watch your guide and brother while they're playing. I had made myself along with my guide scarce and when we returned, the villa was safe once more.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

When Friday came a new person came with it. She ended up in the hotel chatting to the food lady and a few other people. When she said that she wanted to go buy something at the shop, I offered to go to the shop since my guide needed a walk. As soon as we had hit the road my guide started to slow down and at some point she tripped over her own paws.

Stopping her I had looked at each paw and when I couldn't find anything wrong I tried to get my guide to walk once more. The more I asked her to walk faster, the more she slowed down. Counting to ten and back I then tried to get her to move with a treat. That got her moving for about ten seconds before she slowed again.

I didn't have any more treats and cursed the fact that the rest were back in my room. I ended up wishing for a dog to make an appearance which would make her move.

I couldn't understand why my guide was acting up lately. We used to walk so fast that people would think that she was a track guide dog and not your everyday normal guide dog. Hell, even my brothers had to run to keep up with us or tell me to put the brakes on and walk a bit slower so that they could keep up with us both and enjoy the walk.

I could already hear them begging me to walk faster and then sighed and walked slowly to the shop. Every now and then I would give my guide a shove to get her moving, not too hard to hurt her but not too soft to make her stop altogether. When we reached the shop my guide was panting away as if she had walked forever and that in turn had the shop owners asking me what the matter was with my guide. Then to make things worse my guide decided to turn on her really sad face as if I had been yelling at her all the way.

When the owner asked me if I had been yelling at my guide I had felt a bit angry at my guide for even making them think that. I had told them that my guide was not in the mood to walk and that she was asking for food again. The owner had a smile on their face when they asked "Can I give her a treat? She looks so sad and hungry." Then the owner had sat down on the ground and while patting my guides head asked "Would you like a little treat?"

As soon as the owner had gotten off the ground I had said "No and no again. No more treats. That's why she doesn't want to walk." The owner only shook her head and walked off grumbling about me being harsh and not even feeling sorry for my poor guide. I knew as I walked to the counter to pay for the lady's things that my face was bright red with both anger and embarrassment.

When I left the shop and walked down the street as far as I could from the shop I had lost it and started yelling at my guide for putting me through all that and to stop it. She was making people think that I'm horrible and I was sick and tired of her making me look as if I never give her food. I found that while I was yelling my guide was walking faster and faster.

When I got to the hotel I gave the ladies their things and took my guide out to do her thing. When we got to our room, I took my guide's lead and harness off and then dropped myself on my bed. I was frustrated, I had so many emotions running through me that it was hard to know how I felt. Anger, sadness, frustration, hurt and heaven knew what, that was what I felt and I hated it. I couldn't make heads or tails out of any of it at all.

I spoke to my friend that day, I think, I'm not sure if I did or not. My brothers had also called and I

told them of my day and what my guide was doing. I was so frustrated and had a feeling that I was about to get a headache which would frustrate me even more. I spoke to my father as well and was told that I was going to have to stay where I was and then take the bus to the guide dog center.

I didn't have a problem with that. At least no one saw me break down every now and then when things got too much for me. My friend on the internet new about these little episodes but I knew she wouldn't tell my brothers unless she knew that I was alright with them knowing. If she had contact with one of them and didn't tell them, I was happy and when I signed off again I had gone for dinner. My guide had her dinner before mine because I wasn't going to let her make my day any worse by begging for food at the table.

The next day I found an email waiting for me from guide dogs. Wondering what it was about I opened it and then instantly regretted it. It was a letter telling me what to bring with me and to get my clothes marked for washing so that they didn't get lost. It also said that I must remember to wear shoes that were old and used. That much I knew, new shoes would hurt like hell if your feet were not use to them.

As I closed it I felt so, so sad. It was a reminder as to what was going to happen really soon. I dug out my phone from somewhere in my jacket and called the center to make sure that I got my old room and that someone would pick me up from the bus station. I was told that they would let me know who would come and get me and that they wouldn't forget about me.

That afternoon I had found a guy who had to put down one of his sheep dogs and who had been looking for a new dog to live with the little sheep dog he had left. That dog was not a pup anymore but it was really small and lonely. When I told my story to the guy he had listened and when I told him that he could take her for two weeks on a trial which meant that if he didn't want her, she could come back to me and back to the center. The guy had turned away and told me that he'd call another guy whose dog had died and ask him if he wanted the dog and let me know. He had also told me that he didn't want the dog I had and that he only wanted a sheep dog.

I had given him my name and told him where he could find me and had hurried back to the hotel. It was now raining really hard. As I got into my room I had thought to myself "I should have asked someone if it was going to rain today or at least checked my phone to see what the day was going to be like."


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

Pretty soon it was Monday and the start of my guide dog's last full working week. I had to make arrangements to get my guide dog's bed cleaned and packed for the trip on the bus so someone had to bring it over to the mainland and leave it here. Here in the hotel room my guide was sleeping on an old mat and blankets which would be going home the day I leave here. Deciding that I should do something to cheer myself up I had left the hotel to go buy myself a music player of some sort to listen to on the bus while I'm on it.

I didn't talk to anyone and having some music to block out the people on the bus and to calm myself down would be a great thing to have.

Yes, I had the DVD player Gordon had gotten me but it only lasted for three hours. It didn't have the batteries Brains had come up with which lasted way longer than what this DVD player had. So when the DVD player goes off, I'll have the Mp4 player to play with. I wasn't sure if I would be able to take my laptop with me and I knew that I won't be able to take too much stuff with me anyway. So small and light was the only option.

When I got to the shop where I get my coffee from I had asked the one lady there where the shop owner was and when I was told that she had been at a mall which was too darn far for me to go and I got an idea. I asked the lady to phone her and ask her to buy me an MP4 player and that I'd pay her the money when she got back to the shop. I knew that my father was going to kill me if he found out that I'd asked someone else to buy something for me.

We could just call for a car or taxi and we could get where we want and what we want. Well, I wasn't in the mood to go to a mall and to have to explain myself where ever I go or to get people looking and talking about me when they recognized me. I wasn't in the mood for the newshounds either.

When the lady had returned later that day I got the shock of my life. Opening the box I found that something was missing. The lady was watching me with her husband at her side. When I had a frown on my face the husband had come over and taken the box from me. Looking at it he had then declared that there should be a charger, cable, cd and the instruction booklet.

Opening the box himself he had turned it over and when only the MP4 and earphones came sliding out I had felt like banging my head against the counter which was just in front of me. I knew that the lady won't be going to the mall anytime soon because it was in another town which was an hour's drive away. The lady had turned and walked off with her husband just dumping the box in front of me and following his wife.

I knew that I was going to be in for it now. That is when my father would get word of it. Why hadn't the lady checked the box to make sure that everything was there? I really didn't know. I hated the fact that I was blind and that some people didn't care how they treated the disabled or in my case what they brought me when asked to buy something. Packing up what was there of the MP4, I had left the shop and gone back to the hotel. What else could I do now? I knew that I had a cable which might be able to fit on the player and I also had a charger which I hoped would work on it and not blow the hotel sky high.

I had almost made it to the hotel when without warning a dog had run up to us and before I could do anything it tried to bite my dog. Where I didn't know but my dog didn't make a sound. I guessed that the dog had missed or had ended up biting the harness. The owner of that dog had called it back and as I kept on walking I could hear her cursing. I didn't really know if it was directed at my guide and me or her own dog. Then another dog showed up, barking away as it ran closer to us. Another lady had seen what was about to happen and had run up to us and was chasing the dog away.

When the lady came back I had thanked her and walked back to the safety of the hotel. It felt like someone or something had it in for me that day. When I got into my room I had gone to my laptop bag to find the cable and charger to see if I could at least get the player working. When the little screen flashed at me letting me know that it was getting power I gave a sigh of relief. I only had one small problem. With no instruction booklet to tell me how it worked, I had no idea what it could do or what kind of music it could play. I would have had to find someone to read the booklet but I already knew that the chatty ladies downstairs would be able to do the job of reading it for me. My day couldn't get any worse right?


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

Well, the next day I got another shock. I had left the MP4 on the charger the night before to see if it would charge. Taking it off its charger and connecting it to my laptop I then loaded a few songs onto it. Well, as soon as I took it off the cable connecting it to the laptop its screen switched off. Thinking that it was just to save power I had not thought to try and get it playing and had placed it into my pocket. As soon as I got outside to walk off to the coffee shop again I had taken the player out and switched it on. Only to be met with a flashing screen saying something before it went dead again. You don't have to be a sighted person to know that it was the low battery sign flashing on the screen. For a moment I got really angry. First half of the MP4's things were not there and then the player itself was acting up.

I turned back into the hotel and dumped the player in my room. My guide was not in a bad mood that day, she walked like she use to walk at home or when we were on the mainland. When I got to the shop one of the chatty ladies were there. When she saw me she had asked me to sit and talk to her for a while. I should have stayed away from her that day but I hadn't really realized that she was sick. She didn't tell me that.

That night I went to bed early and when I woke up I wondered if I had gone on some sort of rescue. My neck ached, my right arm was at an odd angle and when I moved myself to get rid of the ache in my neck I felt my arm just give out on me. Without realizing it I had used my right hand to push myself up and only remembered that something was wrong with it when I found myself hanging out of my bed with my head just inches away from the ground.

Hoping that my left hand would be able to work I had then used it to drag myself back up into my bed. With every move I was forced to make with my right hand I could feel that my right arm was beginning to get life back into it. It didn't hurt like it did when I woke up but it was still a bit useless. Turning onto my left side I felt something scratching at the back of my throat and that's when I remembered the chatty lady. She'd sounded a bit off when she had spoken to me the day before and as soon as my brain made the connection I found myself coughing away. Turning onto my back I had thought to myself "Great. Just my luck. What's next? If Virgil finds out then I'm going to have a mother hen with me at the centre or worse, two of them fighting over me."

When I had woken a few times later that night, I realised that I was going to have a bit of a problem. Virgil would notice there was something wrong, for sure when I have to call home again. It was a bit hard to hide it now. There was no way my brothers would be able to keep me in bed over a simple cough as it was also my guide dog's last nine days with me. I only hoped that it didn't get any worse throughout the day or rest of the week.

Later in the morning I had found myself almost running with my guide because she was walking as if there was going to be a huge treat at the shop. I hoped that it was not going to be just that and I had just sat myself down for my morning coffee when the guide dog centre called me. They had called me to let me know that I was going to end up in another room for a week and then I'd be moved over to my old room again. We were going to have an old lady on class with us for a week.

I didn't mind it. There was one question on my mind which I knew was going to bug me until I asked it. I ended up asking the question just to make it stop spinning around and around in my head. "What will happen the day I get to the centre? Will I be able to keep my guide with me?" I was told that my guide would be taken from me as soon as we got there but that I'd still be able to go see her while I was there and that I would have lots of time to say goodbye to her.

I didn't want to go to her in the kennels knowing that she wasn't coming out of there again to go home with me. My guide would be staying there until someone else took her home and I didn't want her to sniff at me and find that I had another dog with me. It would hurt to know that she was missing me and that she didn't understand why I didn't return for her to take her home. It wouldn't be fair to my guide and it would only hurt me more to say goodbye in that way.

When I ended the call I got up and went off to the bathroom. When I got there I wanted to cry but I ended up coughing. Not a good thing; not a good thing at all. That darn lady and her germs. When I got back to my guide she was jumping and wagging her tail as if I had gone away for a year. My guide's tail was banging against the shop window since we were sitting outside on the deck and that in turn got the attention of a little kid. I didn't know if it was a boy or girl.

The little kid came running out and before I knew it the kid was under the table playing with my guide. The kid had asked me tons of questions and at some point I ended up laughing and then coughing when the kid told me that the dog at home was pink. I couldn't help myself. A pink dog. I've seen a blue dog on a TV program once but pink? I knew that Penny would have loved that dog.

Pretty soon the little kid had to leave and in a way I was happy and a bit sad. Happy cause now I could calm down and take a decent breath but sad because the little one had made me forget everything that was drifting around in my mind. An hour or so after the kid had left I had gotten up and started my walk back to the hotel. Once in my room I had gone online and told my friend about my day and that I thought I might be changing into a frog during the night. I only hoped that I was wrong. If Virgil found out about it then I would be stuck in my room for quite some time.

Taking my dog out one last time to do her thing, I had gotten into bed hoping that tomorrow would be better and that whoever or whatever was out to get me would take a hike and leave me alone in peace.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

The next day I made the mistake I would regret soon after. Getting up I felt a bit worse than the day before and getting myself ready to walk with my guide dog again I got myself something to eat and some coffee to wake up. I got back to my room and ate a small piece of chocolate.

As soon as we were about half way to the shop I started to get a bit panicky. Something was pushing at the back of my throat. I knew that if I couldn't swallow hard enough I would tip over and embarrass myself in the middle of nowhere on the highway. Stopping for a moment I thought to myself "I shouldn't have eaten that chocolate so early in the morning." Forcing everything down that was trying to come up and out I told my guide to start walking again.

Every step I took made the feeling worse but I knew I just had to get to the shop and the bathroom there. At some point the horrible feeling left but knowing that I shouldn't trust that sign I kept on walking until I got to the shop. My guide did a good job and I think she knew that if she gave me trouble I would be really, really upset. I was just glad that she decided to be a good guide.

As soon as I got to the shop I made mistake number two: I asked for coffee. Benching my guide at the table I'd claimed for myself a few weeks before I left for the bathroom. When I got back my coffee was waiting for me and just as I got half way through it I had to put it down and let my head rest on my arms on the table. I couldn't move. If I tried I knew that I'd make a really big mess. I knew that Virgil would have found some sort of bucket and then would have dragged my head off my arms and made me get rid of it all.

He always had this saying "What wants to get out, has to get out." He didn't care where we were at the time. If someone needed help, he gave it and you'd better do as he says or else he'd force you if need be. Again I was glad that he wasn't here. I would never return to this shop if he did force me to do the unthinkable.

When the feeling left again, I was a bit more careful and finished the last bit of my coffee an hour after I'd started it. I was silently cursing the fact that I'd got sick only a few days before I had to get onto the bus to the guide dog centre. If I wasn't well the day I had to get on the bus, I knew that I'd be in for one hell of a fight not to get sick right then and there in front of heaven knew how many people.

I didn't stay long at the shop. I went back to the hotel after I started to get a headache to go with everything else. The one lady at the shop must have seen something wrong about me because she gave me two pills and some other meds to take as soon as I reached my room. It had been a bad idea to walk to the shop.

Once I got back I ended up on my back after taking the meds and I couldn't help to smile. It made me think of my brother Gordon; that poor brother of mine ended up flat on his back more than I could count. I sometimes wondered why he was a part of International Rescue. Some rescues would leave him in a lot of pain at times and when you ask him why he puts himself through so much pain and suffering he'll just shrug and say "It's what keeps me going and it's what I do best. Saving lives. So I don't mind it cause I know that someone is going to live another day."

I sent my friend a message and then I was out like a light and didn't feel too bad when I woke up next. I had to take my guide out to do her thing and give her, her dinner and then go have mine. I was glad to find that even my headache seemed to have left me in peace.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

I didn't go anywhere for the next day or two and let my guide just be a dog. I took her out to a yard at the back of the hotel and let her run and play. I was sounding really off during those two days meaning that Virgil had found out I was sick and wasn't too happy about not being able to come over here to look after me. I was silently glad that father kept him there.

Father wouldn't do it but they were short staffed and if Virgil came over here and went back home again he might just get sick too and then they would have a big problem. I had told him that I would be fine, that he doesn't have to mother me all the time and that I could look after myself. I knew my brother meant it well but I could also see my father's point.


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

There were now only three days and three nights left before I would have to say goodbye to my guide dog. This morning I had given her, her food with some of the gravy she loves so much. I don't like the smell of it so early in the morning when I put it on her food but still I did it because I love my guide and this would be one of the last treats she'd ever get from me.

As I listened to her eat, I couldn't help but start thinking. My guide had just had her last weekend with me. I wondered if she knew what was coming and how she would feel about it if she did. They say that she'll forget me as soon as she gets a new home and food to eat from her new owners but how do they know that?

I had just taken my guide out to do her thing when my phone rang. It was the lady from guide dog centre. She asked me for my boarding ticket number so that they could keep track of me when I got onto the bus. She told me who would be coming to get me at the station and I told her I'd send her my ticket details in an email and then hung up. When I got to my room I did as I'd said and found the boarding number on my phone and sent it off to the lady. Again I felt so guilty about everything.

Again I started wondering about my guide. I didn't want her to go. Heck, the day they would take her away from me had started to haunt me almost every night but I didn't tell my brothers. My friend I must have told at some point because I was rambling to her every time I found her online. I can't even remember if I had said something to her or not; can't remember what I've told her. She knows how I feel and what I do when it all gets too much for me. She's a good friend.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

All too soon it was Monday again. I got myself ready to go to the shop and found that I wasn't coughing anymore and that the coughing fit I had before I got up seemed to have been the last of it. When I called my guide to put her harness on she started running. She sometimes did that when she's wasn't in the mood to walk. Chasing after her I got frustrated and stopped trying to catch her. Counting to ten I called her again and this time she knew I was not happy about her little game. As soon as she was close enough she started to crawl towards me as if I was just waiting to smack her or something. I would never ever lift my hand to another person or animal, our father had taught us that but even if he hadn't then I would have never ever done it. As I found her head with my left hand and put the harness on with the right I remembered a quote my father always said to us and which Scott had repeated when our father weren't there for a while "Do onto others as you would want them to do onto you."

I knew that my father would be proud that I remembered those words. Still I couldn't understand why my guide ran away from me. She knows that I love her to bits and that I treat her like she's my own flesh and blood. Yes, I'm very strict with her and sometimes I yell at her but I'd never ever hit her, no matter how angry I was. I would never hit my girl, that's just not who I am.

As we walked off to the shop, my guide started to walk to the right. Forcing me to the middle of the highway. Looking down I found myself looking at the yellow or whatever the color of the line was. I knew that if I didn't get my guide to move to the left soon. My brothers or father would get a call from heavens knows where saying that I was hit by a car. Giving the handle of the harness a little jerk I told my guide to go left.

She didn't listen to my commands and I had to repeat myself twice to get her to move over to the left. She didn't try that again. When we got to the shop I got my lunch for free. Which wasn't too bad? Blackie the cat wasn't there and I found myself missing that cat. It was nice to give him a little hug and to hear him purr away when I gave him a cuddle.

When I got to the hotel later that day I had let my dog loose in the yard to play but when it was dinner time she tried her luck with a few of the people sitting at their tables eating dinner. She was sitting at my side looking all sad and hungry and I told her a few times to go down and stay down. Did she listen? Nope. She knew that I would have to leave my food to touch her and that I might drop something while doing so. She knew exactly which buttons to press to make me flip out.

She knew me as well as I knew her. So when I left the table for just a moment she took her chance and slipped away from the table and headed straight for the nearest trashcan. What she didn't know was that I was about to walk past that very same trashcan a few moments later. When I heard the sound of her licking away at something I jumped forward and asked. "What do you think you're doing?" She jumped back away from the trashcan and straight to another person whom I didn't see.

Well, that got a reaction from about two people standing there. Before I knew it I was attacked with questions. Why do you yell at the poor dog? What did she do wrong? You're too harsh with her. Just look at that sad face. Poor dog. My guide loved the fact that her daddy was in trouble and that everyone was now giving her love and feeling sorry for her. Two against one. Not fair.

I ended up yelling at the two people myself. I asked them what I should do to make her listen. I couldn't use her choke chain to correct her in front of everyone. I can't yell at her either. It frustrated me for heaven's sake. They all yell at their kids when they did something wrong but when I yell at my guide if she does something wrong then I end up getting into trouble. So what was I supposed to do?

Giving up trying to get my point across to these people that I had to correct my guide in some way, I took my guide and left to take her outside to do her thing and then return to my room. While waiting for my guide to finish doing her thing I wished for just a moment that it was time to get my new guide and that she was gone for good.

I regretted it the moment I had wished it. Sighing I took my guide to our room and benched her. I hated this frustration and the fact that I couldn't let go. What was wrong with me? Why can't I let her go? Why was I struggling so much? I was just making things worse for myself. I got into bed wishing that my brothers were here with me, they'd know what to do. They always talk to me when they were frustrated but sometimes I was the one needing to talk to them when I was frustrated.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

The next day I was at the shop once again. Time was running out even faster now. I had my coffee and then left to go buy myself some walking shoes. Yes, I knew that they had told me not to have a pair of new shoes but it's always best to be prepared. You never know what might happen along the way.

I couldn't believe that I only had two nights left with my guide. It felt like I'd gotten her just yesterday, something that was beginning to make me feel even worse. I know that I'm a pushover most of the time and I guessed that my guide dog was somehow making me feel really bad about all of this.

I knew how much my brothers loved my guide and how much she loved them back. She loved Virgil and his piano and the forbidden food she got from him. She loved Gordon and the water because he use to put a sprinkler on for her to run through and play in while he took his swim. She loved Scott and his running every morning, Alan and his car on the road when he took her along for the ride, Tin-Tin and her playful ways and Brains and the interesting lab smells. Kyrano she loved for his garden which got a bit turned over when she had to run for dear life, Grandma for the swing on the pool deck and then our father and his coffee which she would sometimes try to get her paws on. My guide would miss them all…and they would miss her.

When I got back to the shop to have some more coffee I found Blackie. In fact I nearly stepped on the poor cat. If someone hadn't tell me not to move myself back a few steps then I would have been on top of the poor thing. Sitting down and turning myself, I reached out to find the kitty's face with my left hand, glad I didn't take his eyes out with my fingers. As soon as my hand touched his face Blackie started to purr away, taking me closer to him to pet him and making me forget all about what was to come.

When my coffee came I let go of the purring kitty and went to wash my hands. My guide was wagging her tail really hard when I came back to the table to which she was benched. My guide was right next to a window which was now getting whacked really hard.

For just a moment I couldn't help but smile as I wondered how hard my guide could wag her tail against that window before it broke. Not wanting to find out I gave my guide a pet on her head and sat down for my cup of coffee. The tail wagging had stopped and my guide was now happily licking away at her paws.

Soon we were back at the hotel and after going online to say hello to my friend I got into bed. Sure. I did go for dinner and yes, my guide had her own. A lady asked me why I had to let my guide go and after she asked me I had told her half of my story. Then she had asked if I had found my guide a home yet? I told her that my guide was going back to the centre with me and that they'd find her a new home.


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

When I woke up again I realized that there was only one night left. Just one night here in the hotel and then we would be travelling together one last time. I felt like staying in bed and not getting up ever again. This wasn't happening to me. Loads of questions came crashing down on me without warning. What would they do when they saw us? How would they react to me? What would they say to me? How would they handle me when or if I broke down? Would they be rude to me? Would my guide dog's trainer be upset with me? Would he treat me like a rich man's son who only wanted a new dog just because he didn't want the one he had?

It was my greatest and biggest fear. As a small boy I got picked on at school and again, later on when I went to boarding school. Yes, I had my brothers to protect me but I didn't tell them everything that happened. Believe me, something had happened to me as a small boy which had changed my life forever. Only father and our mother knew about it because if any of my brothers found out about it they would be in jail for sure.

That's also why I get scared at times when I have to return somewhere I had gone before for training; like the guide dog centre. I was afraid that I'd be picked on or treated badly. I know that my friend had said something along the lines that they won't do all that but I couldn't bring myself to believe that it wouldn't happen. Maybe after I left the centre, maybe I'd believe it then. I was afraid that I'd just get another dog with the same problems or worse. What would I do if that happened?

I got myself ready for the day and as my guide and I got onto the road again my guide started to wobble on her feet. Stopping my guide on the side of the road I picked up her paws one by one to check that she didn't step into something. When I picked up her right back paw I found a thorn. Taking it out I told her to start walking again and this time she did and very soon thereafter we were back at the shop.

Blackie was there on the deck. It was nice and warm and Blackie was enjoying the nice hot sun. From what I knew of Blackie he slept outside in the cold so the sun was a blessing to him. Walking over to him I got down and said hi. Lifting his head just enough so that I could get my hand under his chin he started to purr again. I didn't stay to long with Blackie this time, when I went back over to my table the window was getting its share of banging again and I was so glad that it wasn't thin glass in that frame. I wasn't planning on buying new windows if I could help it.

After having some coffee with my lunch I left the shop and went straight back to the hotel. Time was now running out and I knew that the next day would be hectic so I should let my guide have some fun in the yard before her bath the next day. Her bed was also going to be cleaned and packed, ready for loading onto the bus.

Everything felt so unreal to me. Like a horrible dream that I was unable to wake up from. I really just wanted to wake up and find that it was a bad dream, that my guide was the perfect dog that she should be. I wanted to run away from everything and hide but I'm a Tracy and we never run away or back down from a challenge.

Again my guide tried her luck at the dinner table and even though it was her last night at a dinner table with me, I couldn't let her do as she wished. This time no one was there to bite my head off so after taking her out for the last time to do her thing I went back to my room and sent my friend a message before I went to bed for the last time in this hotel. In this room. In this town.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: See chapter1.

My last day came round too fast and I got up and started to pack my things. My guide dog got her food but I only had coffee. I didn't feel hungry and I didn't want to go out to have breakfast.

Pretty soon it was time to bath my dog. I had some help with that and, that done I benched my guide to a pole to get dried off. She wasn't too happy about that but I had gone back to my room to get everything ready to pack in my bags after I had a bath myself.

After my bath I ended up brushing my guide and then I was off to my room again to pack what was left of my belongings. Hearing my guide sniff at my bags I felt so sad. It felt so wrong to let her go.

When it was time to get onto the bus I felt as if I was in some sort of dream, a dream I could not wake up from. As I went upstairs to the top deck of the bus my guide went for the nearest chair and started to crawl under it. I had to pull on her lead for a bit to get her to come out from under the chair she was hiding under.

When I finally sat down on my own chair I was glad for the space I had in front of me. My guide had turned this way and that a few times before coming to rest on my feet. At some point my guide had pushed my legs to the side with her behind and had then put half of her body under my chair. I tried to sleep and was unable to do so.

My back was beginning to stiffen and my lower back was getting really numb. I stretched out my legs as far as they would go and even went so far as to stretch the rest of my body. Nothing worked.

I sent my friend a message saying 'hi' and then finally drifted off. Well, not really because just as soon as my body started to relax I was awake again. I was really hot and I was in need of some coffee. For some odd reason I knew that I wasn't going to get any coffee anytime soon.

My back was now really numb and once again my thoughts turned to Gordon. How he was able to handle long flights and car trips I really didn't know. That brother had more in him that we could ever think off.

It wasn't too long for me to wait for the sun to come out. I used to watch the stars when I still had all of my sight but now I use my brothers' eyes to watch the stars for me. Getting up I stretched and got down on my seat again. It didn't really help.

We got stuck in traffic and then the bus ended up turning in a full circle to turn back the way we had come and to avoid taking a billboard out. Now that would have been a problem. The bus driver also had to watch where the trailer went as we turned.

It wasn't long before I found myself with my trainer from the guide dog centre. As we walked to the car he chatted away to me and I found that my friend was right and that he wasn't upset with me. Along the way my guide found some food on the ground and I ended up having to open my guide's mouth and make her leave the food.

As the trainer went to put away my bags in the car, my guide tried to jump into the trunk along with everything else. Again she got into trouble when she wanted to jump into the car before I had a chance to get in myself.

When we were in it was time to go to the center. My trainer had told me that my guide would be going to the kennels as soon as we got to the center and then the lady who would adopt my guide would come and get her.

I couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling anything yet. I should be feeling sad and all that but I wasn't feeling anything. I told the trainer that it felt unreal to me, like this wasn't really happening to me. My guide was resting her head on my lap and I tried my best to dig out the emotions that I knew I had hidden somewhere.

As soon as we drove through the gate of the guide dog centre my guide was up on her paws and looking all happy. She knew where we were. She knew that we were at the place where her life had started.

When the car stopped at the kennels the trainer got out and took my guide from me. Digging around in one of my bags I found my guide dogs treats and got out when my door opened.

There on the sidewalk was the lady I spoke to. Getting down on my knees in front of my guide I held her close. That's when one tear ran down my face followed quickly by the next one and soon thereafter a river of them.

I couldn't let go. I felt like someone was killing me, taking my life away from me, my friend, my guide. I hugged and kissed my guide lots of times before I let her go. The trainer and the lady along with another trainer were watching me.

They didn't say a thing about me crying so openly. I don't usually show weakness to anyone but this was different. As soon as my guide had turned I had grabbed her again. It was so hard. I got my guide dogs treats out and gave her a few to eat and then I held out the rest to the lady to give to my guide when I had gone away from her. My heart broke the moment the trainers started to remove my guide dog's tags and the bell from her neck. I fell apart when the tags and bell fell into my hand.

I listened to them take my guide away and felt a hand guiding me back into the car. I wanted to run after the trainers who had my guide, to take my guide back and to just go home.

Then came the moment I had to get out of the car again to go into the center's house. Someone asked if I was okay but when I opened my mouth to say something I found that I couldn't. My words had gone as soon as I wanted to speak and I broke down again. Someone turned me around and held me and someone else gave me a hug. I didn't know who had me and I just cried out to the one holding me. "I can't let my baby just go like that. I can't let her go!"

I was taken into the house and to my new room. They had put all my things in there and asked if I wanted to let them help me unpack. I said no so the trainers walked with me to the lounge and let me sit down. I was told that the lady who would come to get my dog would come in the afternoon and asked if it was okay for her to come see me. I got a cup of coffee and then the lady who spoke to me on the phone brought me a cool drink and left again.

As soon as my coffee was finished I was taken to my room and before the trainers could leave I found my guide dog's booklet and gave it to them. When the trainers had left I had unpacked all my clothes and then I had sent my family a message telling them what had happened so far.

A lady brought lunch to my room with some coffee and then left again and I chatted online to my friend while I was eating my lunch. Soon after that I got a knock at my door. The lady who was going to adopt my guide was here. I walked with her and the lady who had done the talking on the phone to the kennels. There they had fetched my guide and when she saw me she had jumped and pulled to get to me.

The lady who was going to take my guide home said hello to my guide and before I knew it we were walking to the lady's car. She opened the door and let me put my guide inside. I kept myself calm and just talked to my guide. What else could I do? Here comes goodbye. Here comes the last time. Here comes the start of every sleepless night. The first of every tear I'm going to cry.

Here comes the pain. Here comes me wishing things had never changed. She was right here in my arms but here comes goodbye.

The car door was closed after I had hugged and kissed my guide for one last time. I was taken to the sidewalk and when the car drove passed me I could only wave goodbye at my guide. That would be the last I ever got to touch her and say goodbye to her. The centre lady asked me a few times if I was okay and I said yes even though inside I was screaming at everyone to bring my guide back and to take me home.

When I got to my room I knew that tomorrow when the training started I would have to start over with a new guide and friend. As I got ready to talk to my online friend I thought. "My friend. My guide. The one who gave me freedom. Daddy will miss you so much."

Thank you all for reading. These are the days I'll never forget. I still remember it like yesterday. I would still sometimes wonder about my first guide, how she was doing and if she misses me at times. Thank you again for spending time reading this story.


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